close my eyes. and I wonder.......

I'm an out of work graphic designer.  A number of years ago, I left my job field to work as a manager in a local company dong IT, design, and overall customer service, company duties and everything in between for about 15k more than i was making being stressed out in an under staffed (free interns)  design firm.  While i was one of a few people that were on a real payroll,  the stress of the job with no help in sight made the choice easy to move on for a better salary.  I truly believe that I helped my new company survive years longer than they would have when the recession really started to hurt the economy.  I cut their monthly operation costs by 60% and got them in the black.  In time though, that wasn't enough, and being in the position I was in, I had to let myself go, as the company could not pay my wages any longer.  I have survived on Unemployment only for the last year and a half.  That ran out last month, and I finally started getting some good job leads.  I went to a perfect interview for a job I was perfect for.  I interviewed perfectly.  It lasted over 1 1/2 hours.  I left feeling like it was lock.  Found out 3 days ago, they passed on me, adding the comment that "I was great, and they really liked me".  While that is nice to hear, it is also terrifying to have such a great interview, and still not get the job.  I was so in disbelief that I actually called them today to see if my news was a mistake.  There are no words to how awkward that phone call was.

You would think after saying all of that, that my days would be open to job hunting, being positive and forging ahead.  but it's not.  I will use today as an example.

I woke at 7:30, let the dogs out and sat down at my desk.  I spent from 8:30 am to 2 pm doing nothing but fight on the phone with people who are trying to basically rob me in one way or another.  From the courthouse over a $350 screw up with my taxes (not my fault), to insurance coverage for our house that was damaged before Christmas which is now in limbo because of a bank error, to a  two year battle with our water company, sewer company, and local borough  that I was able to win, even after the PA utility commission abandoned us. It was won, finished and solved only for me to get a letter on Monday stating that they found some new magic bill for $350 and that if I don't pay it now, they will shut of our water and put a lean on my house.  I had to contact the PA attorney general and defend myself against T mobile, who filed a claim with a collection agency against me for a phone plan I never even applied for.  I won that one too.  I again had to try and save us form the sewer company, but the utility commission can't help me again because they don't control the borough I live in, so I had to start hunting a lawyer who I have to hire to sue the township, I had to continue my fight on our property taxes which were raised to double what our house is worth, only to find out the nearest court date i can get is in august, and even if I win, the change will not go into effect till 2014.  I also had to cancel my credit cards today because as I ran through my bank statements this morning only to realize that someone has gotten my CC number's and started using it at a gamestop somewhere yesterday.  I'm sure i'm forgetting a few, but in short I spent my whole day fighting to keep what is mine, mine, and beating off every single vulture stealing the last bits of what I still have.

I wish I could say this was a once a year kind of day, but the fact of the matter is, this is every day of my life.  Maybe not all as bad as this one, but generally I spend 60% of my day, everyday keeping wolves at bay.  If I am not there to do it, whether it's delusional heroin addicts trying to get in our house to steal pills and or money, or banks, or johnny law....every day is spent fighting to keep these things at bay.  I can not imagine how a person with a 9 to 5 could ever fight like this. There simply is not the time in any day to do such things.  This is no way to live.  When all is said and done I can't think straight at all.  We are so strapped for cash, we eat once every two days, and it is crap food.  A night out for us is staying home and being able to afford a bag of pretzels, that also doubles as our dinner.

We all need to see a doctor, but only my step kids have insurance  but it's chip, which means a simple tooth cleaning means driving 50 minutes during rush hour to Lancaster   My wife has her own company, but none of her customers have paid in three months, she has no health care at all, like me, and we now have to charge her medicine which we can't afford   and while she is owned three months worth of invoices, all of it is spent already.

I just dont see how anyone could work this stuff out.  how did Alexander the great take over the whole known world by age 21, when I can't even get enough gas in my car to drive to the PO box?

I sigh.......and I take in a deep breath.........close my eyes. and I wonder........